Friday, March 13, 2009

I Feel Safer Now

Yesterday, the Mayor of Pittsburgh and his city council demonstrated such legislative prescience, that I am completely amazed and have to share it with you. It's not often that a group of politicians are this vigilant and concerned with citizen safety. And, it's even more rare when they move so quickly to make sure that bad guys are tagged and dragged out in the open, thus neutralizing their danger.

The hours following the Steeler Super Bowl win in January were the last straw. How many times can you witness such deadly behavior and not do your political best to end the madness? In my opinion, this legislation will make some uncomfortable, but The Council is paid to do the right thing for the City of Pittsburgh and its citizens. Many may violently disagree with the new legislation, but it has to be done. So, be aware, if this groundbreaking bit of law-making passes, hence forth, there will be no more couches permitted on open porches.

Ever again. And, we will sleep safely once more.

Yeppers. No more West Virginia gliders will be seen on Pittsburgh porches. Unless yours is glass enclosed...then you can have one. But, if your porch or front stoop is open to the atmosphere, you may not, under penalty of law, have a couch there. Nope. Not any more...

It's simply unsafe. Those rowdy students from Oakland at University of Pittsburgh could come along and snatch it to set on fire in the streets! Or, those crafty brainiacs at Carnegie Mellon could use it as a space rocket or something, turning it into a trajectory of doom. Who knows what can be done with a settee? So, we're removing them from a bad guy's arsenal. Forever.

So there, Mr. Bad Guy! Ruffian Students. Rabble Rousing Super Bowl Winning Pittsburgers. Take some of that! No more divans for you to use against us! And Pittsburgh is safe again!

But I wonder....aren't we rushing to judgment about these upholstered assassins? Aren't we sending a biased message here? Is it fair? Politically correct? Shouldn't Pittsburgh law makers also be legislating the couches' partners in crime? Who is going to have the guts to go after the Zippo lighters? Doesn't anyone see what I see? I think we need to crack down on the easy access to those city transients, those disposable lighters! Those cheap, sparky domestic terrorists.

Maybe we should license them. Make it less easy to walk into a convenience store and snatch one off the rack. Perhaps a three day waiting period? Personally, I think that if those trouble making lighters weren't around everywhere, the couches would settle down and stop causing such problems.

I think I'll write to the mayor and let him know my thoughts on this.

Here's the only bit of advice I can give you if you don't live in Pittsburgh and you don't have such protective legalisation to keep you safe: If you walk into your home today, and you hear even the slightest bit of growling or noise coming from you sofa--RUN. It's gone rogue and can no longer be trusted to live safely with you. Find a way to get it outside immediately. Then call the frat houses at U Pitt. They are highly trained in this circumstance and they'll happily come and take it off your porch for you.

And remember: When couches are outlawed, only outlaws will have couches.

Or something like that. God, today is one of those days when I am simply misty eyed to live in America.

Namaste' Till Next Time,


Heather said...

You made me giggle. A nice way to start a Friday!

Anonymous said...

They're doing a wonderful job in PIttsburg. Now, lets target those ugly houses.

LionKing said...

They can have my couch when they pry my cold dead fingers from the recliner handle. A typical government over-reaction...don't they know it's only the assault couches that are the real problem.


Eileen said...

All I have to say is that CDM would take umbrage at lumping all Univ of Pgh alumni into this politically incorrect band of ruffians. He'd consider that there's a chance that it could also fall under the banner of neighborhood clean-up day!

Toni said...


Anonymous said...

As Chief Lurker and Bottle Washer, I am compelled as I recline on my WV glider, to respond to the Illustrious QOTU. You see, we here in West "By God" Virginia have our share motivated and uninformed Legislators. Take for instance, Delegate Jeff Eldridge-D, Lincoln County. He finds it necessary for good of all in our fair state to propose two incredibly salient bills: He wants to have Barbie dolls banned because, "I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you're beautiful, you're beautiful and you don't have to be smart." He also, nearly with the same breath, has proposed legislation to bring "Ultimate Fighting" to WV. With this bill he adds, "Everyone says it's a dangerous, barbaric sport. At the same token, they have a referee in there that can stop the fight at any second. The person can tap out at anytime." It is really good to know we have this caliber of person working to keep our economy viable, our infrastructure safe and reliable, our workforce employed, and those diabolic Barbies out of the hands of our impressionable youngsters. All in all, thanks for being there Regina Holly. Yours In Service, JM, Esquire

Arcta Firebringer said...

Did you read the story about the purchased used couch that turned out to contain a calico?

PureCommonSense said...

I'm not sure this will last. Wait and see what the MSA - Municipal Sofa Association - has to say about this. They have an angry hollywood actor who acted in The Ten Commandments and Planet of the Apes leading the charge!

But seriously for a moment. How exactly do they expect this to change anything? There are plenty of other large objects around during riots - they will just turn to something else. Or even small items like beer bottles and pepper balls can be deadly. That's how one young college girl died in the street after the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004

Arcta Firebringer said...,0,7438164.story

Pam said...

What are they going to do about the Stealth Sofas? You know the kind I'm talking about, it will act like an ottoman but once you flip the lid it becomes a little "love seat", something to have when unexpected guests arrive at your door. The way technology is going, we will never again trust what we see.
Do you think the media has us focusing on the bad economy and unemployment so we won't know the ugly truth about sofas?

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