Tuesday, December 9, 2008

More About Lids & Pots

As a writer, I can never be certain what will raise a response from a reader. With A Lid For Every Pot, I must have really hit a nerve with some and struck chords with others. Based on things you've shared, let's continue:

First, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Especially, Lindsey, who invested time getting her feelings out. Others have contacted me different ways. Yesterday, a reader wrote something that perked in my brain over night.

The reader says that while they basically agree with my premise, if they were to follow my thinking, they might be alone their entire life. Reader does not think it's right or natural for the average Human to spend life alone. I agree. However, ask any person who is in a less than optimal relationship how alone, or not, they feel. You can be desperately alone when in a relationship as much as, if not profoundly more than, when you are alone on your own terms.

There is a huge difference between being alone vs. on your own. Men do not confuse these two states but women generally do. I can't say if it's genetically hardwired, but most women feel they are incomplete unless they are satisfactorily paired. Men, on the other hand, feel complete as solo entities and submit to being partnered only when they are ready to experience differently. Must be the differences in the hunter, generally a singular activity, vs. the gatherer, who is more successful if there are many to help find what is needed to survive. We can discuss the emotional underpinnings of that anthropological theory another time...

Again, there is a huge difference between the state of being alone vs. on your own. Can you sense the difference? All of us will be alone at points in our lives. There will be times when you are lonely. Others when you are on your own. The emotional states are different- the first means that someone has gone and there is no one presently close, causing temporary sadness or anxiety. The second- you are feeling vulnerable and lessened as if you are missing something important in your life and yearning for something to correct that. The third state- being on your own, is an empowered place. Your life is moving freely, you are emotionally powerful, conscious that you are the designer of your life. You live in the moment with hope, curiosity and contentment.

You can't easily distinguish between these three places and the emotional states until you've successfully lived through all of them. It is normal to want to avoid being lonely but, it's hard to do. You can be at crowded party and still feel lonely! However, when you are at peace with your life and happy with who you are, loneliness is non-existent. You can be without another soul in your space and know all is well. What's the difference? It's you. You and how you are feeling about life.

When we believe that the external world determines how alone or connected we feel, we give away our personal power. How alone you feel, how lonely you believe yourself to be, is strictly dependent on you. Those feelings come from the inside and move out; they do not come from the outside and seep into you. Most of us believe that it's the other way around until we discover the power of our spirit.

It's easy to confuse that truth. It's very real to believe that we won't survive without people as that's what our senses confirm. We do need others; I'm not suggesting otherwise. We do need to feel special and worthy and loved. We do need to feel part of something and someone.

Feeling worthy, special, loved- while validated by what someone else says and demonstrates, is only real when you can truly feel these things for yourself. As a Spiritual Being, you are on earth to confirm these things for yourself, about yourself. We attempt to feel loved by giving those feelings to someone before we learn the importance of giving them, first, to ourselves.

You cannot give to others what you do not possess. A dry well produces no refreshment. Is your emotional well full of spiritually rich waters? Are you able to easily refill and refresh your waters? Can you fill your own cup?

If you think that another's feelings for you are the measure of your worth, you risk being destroyed if that one leaves. Why? Because you wrongly believe that only they give meaning and substance to your life. Do not give your power to others! They do not want it and will eventually pull away. They don't want the responsibility. You must be the keeper of your power and share it with others; you cannot turn it over to others for safe keeping.

Lindsey talked about 'needing' to feel more special than others in the great guy's life. She wrote that she is afraid that she'll waste time and not get what she wants in the end. And, miss Mr. Right while she wastes time...

Being emotionally needy is the kiss of death. Being fearful is a strangle hold on your spirit. These two feelings are not about love and possibility. If you sense these things in you, that's SPIRIT telling you to look at yourself and how you can spiritually grow.

Relationships, those successful and those that turn out singeing you, are all valuable. You learn more about self in a wrong relationship; in a right relationship, you learn more about being part of the Human Experience. Both are necessary to grow emotionally and spiritually.

Stop worrying about whether you get it right...more to the point, stop worrying that you'll get it wrong. Spirit, who loves you in all ways and who sees much further than you can see is right there. Stop categorizing things as pluses and minuses- they are what they are. Let your decision to get involved rest on your intention of becoming a complete Human Being. Ask, "Will I learn more about myself if I get involved with this experience and person?" If so, go for it.

The only way to learn is by being like Goldilocks. Go sample all the chairs; try not to break them. Go eat the different porridges; leave some for others. Go explore. But, start looking at explorations in terms of what each teaches you about yourself instead of looking at each as the potential conclusion of your quest. Therein rests the quality of your life.

Stop stressing about biological clocks and wasting time on the wrong person. There are no wrong persons and wrong experiences when you know they're part of your learning. If you're living instead of fixating, you'll know if it's time to move on or change. However, let's be clear; I am not saying, that you won't feel hurt or sorrow. Along with happiness and laughter, you can't become real without scorch marks and tears.

The reward for your investment in Self development is that your spirit will give clear acknowledgment when the right one arrives. There will be a resonance. You will feel calm and serene. No drama, no angst. Only certainty. You will be able to recognize the same reflected in the eyes of The One. When you believe that you are all you need but with them, want to share everything about you without fear and reservation, you'll know you've arrived at your, "And, this one feels just right."

Namaste' Till Next Time,


LynnZRae said...

Going back and rereading this blog was just what I needed today. It helped give me the courage to challenge my insecurities of being alone and my fear of not getting what I need unless I initiate it. I am forcing myself to challenge this in me. I am sitting still and just "being". I have to give faith to him that he will give me what I need and I have to give myself faith that if he doesn't I am deserving of it and should not settle for anything less.

It's hard to challenge that core fear; it feels like withdrawl from a drug or vice of choice. I fixate and am anxious but I tell myself if I really believe that he is it, then he will come through.

Holly said...

Once again, Linds, you have found just the perfect words to describe what we go through. It is, very much like being in withdrawal from an addictive substance. It's hard to let go of drama and worry. For many of us, they're the only constants in our lives, so the idea of shedding them seems impossible, then we become fearful of what would we replace them with if we put them down???? Oh, no! Also, there are many of us who think that we'll be boring and uninteresting if we're not always living life like a soap opera. It's not true, but it's how many of us think. So, you can't say, I'll shed my fears. Instead you say, "Just right now, I'm not going to react fearfully about this." Worry about the next moment and the next issue when it comes. Thank you as always for sharing what you feel. It helps all of us when you do.

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