A Lid For Every Pot

Lindsey and I met when she was a student, a good one, in my classes at Towson University. We've stayed friendly over the years since. She often asks for my perspective on things, mostly the sort of stuff that girls share.

Linds is newly involved with a great guy. She finds herself in the position of really, really liking this man. Wouldn't be hard to do, he is a- great guy. But, lately, based on things he's said, she wonders if he is looking at the relationship and its potential in the same light as she views it. She's thinking she is way more into him than he is into her. Her female internal warning device is beginning to sound the alarm. She's in a bit of an emotional knot. She turns to me, "What to do?" I can't tell her.

I'm fairly certain she doesn't really want me to tell her; the mere fact that she has questions means that things aren't the way she wants them to be. She doesn't want me to confirm that. And, since I'm not standing in the middle of the emotional quick-sand, I see it in black and white terms. She, on the other hand, is seeing through the kaleidoscope of emotions. Way different perspective. Besides, if she were to say out loud what her gut's already warning, well...what then? Our conversation got me thinking about the entire Looking For Mr/Ms Right thing. But, this entry isn't about Lindsey and her current situation; it's about what I've learned via my time on the circuit.

Here's what I know to be true about the quest for the correct relationship:

Close enough/good enough are never close or good enough when it comes to relationships. And, when I hear someone passionately say, "I want him/her so very badly," I always think, "Great, because that's how you're likely to get him/her, badly." When you say things like that, it points to being emotionally needy. And, being needy is the kiss of death to a relationship. You can't be healthy and needy. So, which are you?

It's critically important to learn to live with yourself, like yourself, be content and satisfied with your own company. Until you do that emotional heavy lifting, you end up desperately wanting something...anxiously hoping for someone. You justify relationships...you settle...you lie to yourself making all sorts of rationalizations as to why they behave this way or that. You cling to less than satisfying relationships like a bat to the wall of a dark cave.

We women yammer for hours and days in demented detail about the disappointments delivered by the not-quite-right guy we're currently obsessed with. We cry, sigh, bemoan. But, by damn, we'll continue to hang in there on the misguided notion that love conquers all! One day, he'll just wake up out of his walking coma and realize how wonderful you are. Through your powerful magic of love and belief in him, he'll change into the prince you know him to be! You'll get your happily ever after. Music up. Birds and furry creatures scamper happily about while you waltz into the sunset. Fade to black. The end.

Do I need to go any further here? Okay, look- here's how it really works. Happily ever after is the end of a fable. You're not looking for an ending; you should be looking for a life! The goal here is for you to turn into your own bit of royalty, not try to love someone into the shape you want them. It's not about them; it's most certainly about you!

It's all about you. Who you are...what you hope to be...your goals...your aspirations...what you want out of life...how do you define success and happiness? If your partner doesn't share the same sorts of notions and help you in your quest to be the best you can be...she/he's not the one! Close enough isn't when it comes to a critically important issue like a mate.

In the years I was on my own, I'd get really weary and frustrated. A friend trying to be comforting said, "Don't worry, Holly. He's out there. There's a lid for every pot, you know." She squeezed my hand and smiled. While not necessarily digging the mental image of resembling a cooking utensil, I took her meaning and the gesture of support. Years later, I know my friend was right.

But, let me let you in on a secret...the bit my friend didn't share about the whole lid/pot thing. While it is true that there is a lid, if you don't know what shape and size pot you are, you can't find the lid that's perfect for you! Your partner is out there. However, if you don't truthfully know who you are, you'll never find him/her.

Quit being a martyr for love! It isn't noble to sacrifice yourself for a relationship. To make yourself less than you know you can be and should be. To snip off bits of your dreams/hopes/desires to fit into what you think will suite him/her best. Love doesn't ask that of anything or anybody. True love expands and builds; it does not diminish dreams and lives!

It's Human to want a mate and partner; someone who completes you. So, you'll seriously consider almost every lid that comes your way. You'll make some real doozy mistakes because mostly, we rationalize- "oh, this one could be the one if we work on things together." "I can't have everything...I need to be reasonable. He makes me happy most of the time." "She's pretty great even though we don't have any of the same interests."

No! Instead of obsessing about them and how it could be made right if you or they would just change, focus on falling in love with yourself and getting to know you in intimate detail. Learn that you're complete just as you are! It's not about changing into anything. Take off the love goggles and look at things the way they are. Stop over-laying the current less-than situation with the notion that it can be changed if you just hang on long enough, or work on it hard enough.

If the one you're with doesn't make you love yourself more each day, it's time to vote with your feet! There are millions of people in the world. Millions! And, while I believe it is miraculous that in all of those, two people who are meant to be together do find each other, you can't have The One if you decide to jam up your life with close enough- Mr. Good Enough; Ms. Mostly I'm Happy With.

One of the things that drives women crazy about men is how most seem able to easily walk away from relationships that don't work for them. As soon as they determine it's not what they're looking for, they're gone. Not so much when they've committed to a long-term thing, but in the dating phase, guys can cut things off pretty quickly with surgical precision. Men don't question this. They simply believe that they have the right to continue hunting until they find exactly what they are searching for.

They don't waste time after they've crossed something off their list. They don't retro-fit. They don't keep working on it. They don't negotiate. They don't stress about what-ifs. They let go and walk on. We hate that about them. But, on some level, aren't we a bit envious of their ability to walk and keep looking? Come on, admit it! You'd love to be able to act the same way, wouldn't you?

Well, you can. Nothing's stopping you except fear. Fear that Mr. Right may never find you so better hold onto Mr. Close Enough. Let go! Let go of fear. Let go of Mr. Close Enough. Let go of all angst and drama. Grow your life and be excited about your choices. Be brave! Own your life. Be intrepid. Trust. Experiment. Get to know yourself. Be honest. Live for yourself! Fall in love- with yourself, first!

Once you do, you'll know clearly what sort of vessel you are and you'll be proud of your pot-ness! And, Mr/Ms. Fits Just Right Lid will be much more easy to recognize when walking into your life. Go forth and begin to own how wonderful you are and how grand your life plan is! Do not settle. Now you're cooking!!

Namaste' Till Next Time,

Holly