Use A Whip And A Chair

My day started out just fine. On Sunday, we all seem to do as we like at the pace we want to move. No real demands, no phones to answer.  And in my world, I thought I'd take the quiet time to do some laundry. It was all going pretty well.

Until the fitted sheet was ready to join the party. And my Sunday became a fight for my life.

I am a pretty awesome house keeper.  I've been taught how to do most everything that's part of living in a structure.  My Family calls me The Laundry Fairy. Hell, I even know how to can and knit.

But handling a fitted sheet?  I need a whip and a chair.  You cannot back down from the fitted when it comes out of the drier.  You must immediately command control.  If you even blink, the fitted sheet will be on you like white on rice and you will be totally consumed by it; especially if it is the most deadly of all the Fitteds...

THE FITTED KING SHEET!!!!

In my mind, In HollyLand, where I live and it is orderly and sunny all the time, this what I thought I'd end with; look at that!  Isn't it gorgeous?  Can't you just imagine opening your linen closet to see all of the sheets in their contained habitat?  You know you want these little packets of bed linen!  Admit it! Go ahead, I'll wait...

Not one to be outwitted by domestic wild life, I went on-line and studied countless hours of videos and articles.  Here's one that I came across.  First let me say that anything that takes 18 steps no longer falls within the classification of EASY....

...next, and perhaps more importantly, take a look at that woman's vacant, even a tinge fearful, expression.  She knows the fight she's in for and well, she doesn't have much hope of surviving.

So after hours of research and even more time in attempting to replicate the process, this is what I ended with and it is SUNDAY and I don't have to do everything the way it's supposed to be done because it is SUNDAY, (did I mention that?) and it's supposed to be an easy day when I do what I want at the speed at which I want to do it!  So, I am satisfied with what I did. Yes, that mushroom at the very bottom is the dreaded THE FITTED KING SHEET! Don't you dare judge me!! It was Sunday!

But, for those of you who are more evolved than I, and you want to know how to do this correctly so that your closet looks like Martha Stewart sprinkled Magic Martha Dust well, just follow this video. I've watched this so many times, I'm sure this woman has had two more birthdays by now.



You're welcome!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka Her Own Domestic Goddess 

It's Not Working

Trying, Trying, Trying really hard....

...but it's not working.  I'll try again tomorrow.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Actually Likes Winter But Loves The Beach More

I Can Do This

I am sitting here in front of this screen and key board.  Sitting.  Looking out the window at a day that refuses to come about...so gray that lights should really be on in the room so I can see.  I won't put the lights on.  It's day for heaven's sake.  Or should be.

I look at the screen which presents me a blank page waiting.  Full of possibility.  Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.

Instead of fingers drumming on the computer keys, typing out big ideas, my fingers sit and drum the desk...while the paper screen simply waits.

I can do this.  I said I was going to do this.  I always do what I say...or attempt it at a bare minimum.  I.  Can.  Do.  This.

I take a drink from my bright red mug now half full of rich brown coffee.  It's getting cold.  I don't mind.  If I'll drink iced coffee, what diff does it make if it's no longer piping hot?  Waste not, want not.

I rub my hands together, like a piano player warming up for the playing of the first few notes.  I sigh.   I stop.  Okay, progress...now I'm letting my fingers drum rapidly on the keys just to hear the plastic sound they make as if it might kick start my typing actual thoughts worth reading.

I look over at Fiona laying sprawled out on the floor and am struck once again that dogs do not allow angst into their lives.  Well, maybe if a chipmunk is outside the door taunting them and they can't get out fast enough to attempt its death.  Otherwise, no angst.

And I think that's how I'm feeling while I'm staring at this blank page, like it's a post chipmunk just taunting me.  Because I. Got. Nothing.

The grandfather clock ticks...when it's the sound I can hear the loudest, it's truly empty in my head.  More rapid drumming on the keys...  now Rory is here stretched out quietly.  Argyle goes sprinting by at a sound somewhere else in the house.  In constant motion and exploration, this dog not yet a year old, finds every thing to do with nothing. 

But I can't find one good thing to do with a blank piece of  paper today.  The phone rings; a momentary reprieve!!!

Damn, short conversation means I'm back at it again.  More drumming on the keys.  I spell-check a word, it comes up nothing....what?  Sigh...get out the Webster's.  I'm struck yet again at how many words are not in spell check and so don't get exercised.  I worry we'll lose our rich and deep language as we go.  Okay, now you're just chasing your tail; get back on point.

Laundry waits; the bed needs to be made; powder room needs a wipe-down.  Dinner needs to be decided.  Meatloaf or chicken?  What are you going to post today?!

Come on, is it going to rain or not?!  Do I have everything I need to make meatloaf?  Meatloaf it is, then.

Obviously, I can do this...maybe tomorrow.

Namaste' Till Next,
Holly aka The Non-Blogger

Here's Another Question For You

I'm driving home from my doctor's appointment today, and pass the Beehive, one of the (way too many in my humble opinion,) gentlemen clubs that you see along any of the country's highways.

We had another in the area, called Climax, with a...wait for it....drive through lane. No waiting for your jollies, no getting out of your car...nothing but a mobile quicky behind your wheel. But, sadly this one closed. Another victim of a down economy, I'm sure. If you're looking for a business opportunity, the place is for sale!

At any rate, the sign outside of the Beehive raised the same question whenever I see these stupid places....

It generally reads, "Live girls, Live Dancers," or words to that effect. And, I can't help but wonder and never have the answer, so maybe you do; if so please share.

My question is: "Why do you advertise this? I mean, after all, has anyone ever seen or paid to see a dead dancer?!"

I'm juz sayin'...

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Is Curious

Insult To Injury

By now you all know that I'm built for comfort, not speed. You'll know how much I struggle with weight and being OVER weight. Being round and zaftig, when really, I would prefer being mean and lean.

You'll know that I attempt to follow Weight Watchers, but I've stopped paying the monthly fee for following on line. I tell myself that it's my effort toward fiscal responsibility. Michael's always happy when I can trim another something off the list of monthly expenses. Ironic I can trim the budget but not my size...go figure.

You'll know that my thyroid has joined the party to conspire against me and now my 'sluggish' metabolism is now more like a door-stop than a working system.

You'll know that I have been, most likely, a sloth in many life times....and speed and movement, to me, seem anathema to life.

You'll know that I've decided to continue to fight the good fight each day despite the form my body would have you believe.

You'll know that I cherish my body and continually thank it for doing most of what I ask of it.

You'll know that I'm continually shocked by the changes it goes through thanks to age...like my eyebrows turning into bristles, etc...

So, why am I so surprised, that when I'm sent for an ultra-sound of my liver to determine why I have elevated liver enzymes...

...that the report comes back, "fatty liver,"????

Don't you think that I'd figure that everything on me has decided to use "fatty" as the first descriptor? Come on!

Do I really need to add that insult to injury?! For crap sake. Thanks for nothing, liver. You fatty traitor.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Is Round

No One EVER Told Me This!

I was told a few things about the changes my body would face as I aged. Things like less hair on my legs but more on my face. I'm Italian after all.

And, I was told about the aches and pains my joints would take on as habit...you know all the regular stuff. About how my brain might age: I no longer find searching for car keys that are 'hiding' right in front of me amusing.

But, in an effort of full disclosure, no one EVER told me this one...



...about how my eyebrows would just start growing bristles one day!

Wild hairs that are tough as boar bristles and poke out and actually stick my finger when I'm trying to tweeze my eyebrows while wearing high-powered binoculars standing at the x 17 magnifying mirror! Do not mess with me or I'll gore you with my eyebrows!

If you're wondering why I would even post such an ugly thing, go back and re-read the title of my blog...I have an obligation to report this stuff.

Or, am I the only one who is afflicted with this 'boarish' change to my eyebrows?

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka Oinkalicious

Damn You HGTV!!!

Because I don't have the strength to do it, I've asked Michael to put a parental block on Channel 51....

I'm addicted to it and it's bringing me to ruin. Yes! Ruin. I am no longer able to control the compulsion to re-invent my home's spaces. And it's all their fault. I can't control myself!

This is our guest bathroom. That's not wall paper. I did that by hand a couple of years back. Not even a couple of years. More like months....maybe 34 months.

It was done in HGTV's hey day of glaze and artistic wall treatments...PAINT! Hours with blue painter's tape, and a ruler. Coming up with the perfect grid pattern; the right color and glaze. My inspiration piece? (You must have an inspiration piece, my dear,) The shower curtain. I decided to replicate the intricate Arabian arabesques in the shower curtain.

Hours of sitting on a ladder, silver-leaf pen in hand after the stripes had dried. Sitting and looking at what I had already conjured and then coming up with new swirls so that it didn't look repeated in any way.

My ass got numb from sitting perched on a ladder. My ass was not meant to sit perched on such a small flat surface. But would I quit? HELL NO! HGTV said I could do this!!! They never lie.

So onward over four days I soldiered on...and toward the end, some of the arabesques took on organic flavors and became, well,

...as Michael says, "Some of them look like aliens which is a little disturbing." Umm, yeah perhaps. HGTV never talks about the mind trips you take thanks to some of the supplies you must use.

When I was done, it still needed a little something...and that's when I came up with the absolutely crazy notion of gluing the small jewels to the wall. There are a couple of hundred across the room.

I'd glue them and turn around to see what progress I'd made, only to discover a blank wall where jewels should have been. "No, keep going, you can go back and touch up spots later!"

Taking a break on the ladder precariously perched IN the bath tub, I hear a noise and look down to see Fiona, who was just a wee puppy at that time, quietly walk up to the wall and nibble a jewel! I follow her out to the hall where 30 small bits of colored glass await. Thanks for helping Fiona. Really.

But, trends change don't you know? And now the phrase, "Spa-like experience," is all the rage at HGTV! Baths are to be tranquil and calming spaces and only Zen like spaces will do now!

Errr, somehow my Arabian Nights theme doesn't fit that bill. Now when I go up to clean the guest bathroom, my inner critic stands there and looks at the wall I worked so hard on and the bitch says, "Oh, isn't that INTERESTING!" The freakin' kiss of death! What was once fascinating and fun is now, "Too taste specific!" Oh, no....................

So I immediately run to Home Depot to buy Baehr Paint, which in my opinion, is the best paint for the money out there. Oh, there may be better paint; Pratt & Lambert is my all time favorite to work with but, who has that kind of money?!

I stand there in the rainbow of possibilities and think, "Spa like, spa LIKE, speak to me Spa Like, where are you?" And, my hand comes to rest on...

Eygptian Pyramid! OH there you are!

Not for the first time I wonder, "Who names these colors? And, how do you get that job?! I want THAT job! I'd be great at the job!!"

Michael says, "I'm not seeing it, but I trust you." (I adore him!) Then he asks me, "Are you sure you want to do this? You spent a lot of time doing the painting up there and I'm not sure why you want to cover it up. Just be sure."

Don't you just want to hug him?

But HGTV say I must have a spa like environment and this will do it!

So, now you see the Ommmmm of it all. Don't you? Can you feel it? Did I just hear a big exhalation from you? Are you feeling tranquil? HGTV says you will!

Is it sophisticated and calming? Please don't be concerned...it's just the light....it's not really pumpkin colored... it's more like sand and well, Pyramids in the blinding sun of the Sahara...


Colors of clay, and sand, and blue cloudless sky....


Some quiet motion in the textiles to draw visual interest....

HGTV says you'll love it....do you? Do you want to take a hot bath? I have a mint on the pillow of the guest bed. Please? Will you love me because I redid the bath for you...can you feel the SPA LIKE QUALITY yet?????

For the love of HGTV, say yes, because it's the only way I'll get this....ironic isn't it?

And, if I want real peace I'm going to learn to like the fact that HGTV is locked out of my viewing possibilities.

I'm going to go take a hot bath now. But not in that bathroom. Are you crazy? I just cleaned it!!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Can't Leave Her House Alone

If You're Coming To Visit...

...please wear a hard hat. Seriously.

But, if you decide to come, I'm not sure how you'd get threw the iron curtain to the front door.

While the roads are finally clear for you to travel, you have to take your time, because now there's a nasty coating of sheer ice all around.

Oh, and see that nubbin under the tree? Yeah, that was the garden angel that I talked about just the other day. Can angels go down for a third time and drown?

On second thought, even if you do own a hard hat, maybe you should wait until, oh I don't know, let's say July...it may be over by then.

Not that Merv The Griffin and I wouldn't be delighted and thrilled to have the company. Because we truly would. It's just that we love you and want you to stay safe.

The only bright spot in this gray, iced world of ours is that, as I was out taking these pictures of my ice daggers, far off in the distance somewhere a very intrepid cardinal was singing his "Pretty, pretty, pretty," song. We just may make it after all.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Loves Winter A Whole Lot Less Now

Are You For Real???!!!

It goes like this:

"Doctor's office, can I help you?"
"Yes, I have a medical emergency and I wonder if the doctor has time to see me today!?"
"An emergency? Can you please calm down and explain so I can help you?"
"Yes, but this is pretty serious and I need to talk with her as soon as possible."
"I understand but you'll have to give me some information....what is your concern?"
"Well, I was watching television this morning and was made aware, thank gawd, that I have a serious medical condition that I should ask the Doctor about. Brooke Shields told me that I have hypotrichosis!!!"
"Excuse me, what did you say you have?"
"Hypotrichosis; I have skimpy eyelashes and I need to see her right away. This is serious! They have a new drug out for it called Latisse and I should come in to get started on it ASAP!"
"You are an idiot. However, I can fit you in our schedule on Wednesday, 2014. Does that work for you?!"

That should be the answer, but it won't be because we've all lost our minds.

Are you freaking kidding me?! Now we have this to worry about? Really? REALLY???? Can we be so flipping vain and foolish that we can afford to worry about this? Is it really a quality of life issue? When there are so many people struggling every day with true life threatening issues, diseases, emotional concerns? Eye-lashes...we are now worried about eye lashes.

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Look, let me just say, I am a huge believer in better living through chemicals! If there is a medication that is safe and will help improve the quality of your life, for all that's holy at least give it a try! But, really, are your eye lashes and the luxurious nature of them really keeping you up at night and feeling less than your best? Really? Because if that's your only concern? I want your efffin' life!!!!!

Stop!! Take a look! This is a spirit who is in real need. This is an individual who needs more than they have. These are eyelashes that we should be concerned about. For the love of all that's holy!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Rants

The Change? Into What??

It's an interesting name, The Change. For a woman who hates change and despises being hot, this stage of life, The Change, is truly a trial.

There's a group on Facebook called, I Flip My Pillow To Get To The Cool Spot. I considered joining. I adore laying my head on a cool, crisp pillow. I turn mine a couple of times a night to get that second of refreshment. So, along comes, The Change. And, now I don't just flip my pillow. Now I spend nights migrating around the mattress searching for a cool spot. Not unlike those poor animals you see dragging the African Savannah in their desperate search for water.

We have a new latex mattress. Seemed like a luxurious idea because it molds to the body providing total support. No more tossing and turning. No more waking up with sore parts. Expensive? Hell yes, but we are so worth it. Yep. That's right. Have you ever seen what happens when you put a flame thrower close to latex? Why, aren't you the clever one, yessssss, it does dissolve! I'm fairly certain it's my body temp that has caused the crater on my side of the bed.

I seem to sink into the mattress like it's quick sand. Once enveloped, the spot heats up to the very same temps as on Mars. I'm a great marketer, but I'm not sure how even I could prepare a sales person to sell against this situation: "Madam, you'll adore this bed unless you are going through The Change. If so, we can only sell it to you if you have proof of adequate life insurance. And you'll need to sign this Hold Harmless waiver which insures that you won't hire Edgar Snyder to sue us for your unfortunate demise."

Covers on. Covers off. Covers on. Covers off! The turbulence turns the bedroom into a wind tunnel. Maybe it'll be better with just the sheet. How the hell did this cotton sheet turn into rubber when I wasn't looking?! Holy crap that's hot. Mere minutes later my body sends the panic code to my brain, "Are you crazy? Put something on or you're going to wake up with frost bite!" All night long, long, long.............

Poor Michael. He hates to be cold. So, when he realized how high my engine runs most of the time, he thought he'd struck gold. He calls me, The Source of All Warmth. Yep. That's me. And, I love that he snuggles against me for comfort and warmth. Except that, when he's all toasty next to me and I get a surge, with our combined body temps, I'm fairly certain the top of my head is going to pop off. The survival mechanism goes on red alert; the brain screams, "Warning! System overload eminent. Get the hell off now!!!!" Pushing your husband away in panic...so not good for a successful relationship.

Not wanting to ruin our new marriage, we've finally worked out a system. He wears socks, flannel bottoms and a shirt to bed. Sometimes a sweat shirt. I refused his plea for mittens and a muffler. Along with that, we have an extra throw on the bed ONLY on his side. Don't let that thing come over to mine! If he hears, "You have to move now," he reacts immediately to avoid Ground Zero. I have to say, it's all so sexy I can hardly stand it! My heart used to race from romantic moments. Now it races just before I combust into flames.

I hear The Change, for some women, can hang on for years. How fabulous. I wonder if life in Antarctica might be a good option? And, when The Change is over, what is it that women change into? I have to go, I'm feeling momentarily dizzy. Oh yeah, during the day when I surge, getting light-headed is part of the package. Delightful! Maybe if I stand in front of the open refrigerator... Yes I know it's only nine degrees outside! What's your point?

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly

No's To Know

I am always too hot. So, if I think it's cold, it's too damn cold. So cold that my brain won't even think. Which means not much from me today. While I wait for my thoughts to thaw so I can write something intelligent, I'm simply going to list all the "No's" I think are important and that you should know. Starting with answers to ubiquitous weather questions:

-No, I don't think it's cold enough for me, but thanks for asking...

-No, I really don't believe a witch's tata is a fair comparison for cold...

-No, it doesn't make me feel better that at least I'm not living in Antarctica. All things are relative.

-An informed 'No,' is a good, if not better, answer than an uninformed, "Yes." When the best answer to give is 'No,' give it. When the best answer to hear is, 'No,' accept it and move on.

-Use, 'No,' wisely.

-No and anger generally do not mix. For the same reason one keeps nitro and glycerin separated until ready for an explosion.

-There are no stupid questions; just people too stupid or stubborn to ask.

-No attempts are too small, so long as they are genuine.

-No job is too small or insignificant. If it needs to be done, do it.

-Nothing from nothing leaves nothing- Billy Preston

-No business like show business? This gives new meaning to multi-tasking...along with everything else I have to do, I act every day at the office!

-There is no time like the present. Make it count.

-No one loves you more than you can love yourself. Start practicing.

-No person should go to bed feeling unappreciated. Always say, 'Thank you.'

-No. But, thank you for offering.

-It's, 'No Sir and No Ma'am,'...Where have our manners gone?

-No whining!!!

-No way!

-No fear.

-No worry; it's a waste of your precious energy.

-No regrets.

-No one is better than you; you are unique and wonderful just as you were made to be...

-'No,' is a complete sentence. (This is my new favorite shared by JoLou. Thanks Jo!)

No warm-up in sight. Colder tomorrow. Even so, we're one day closer to spring!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly

Not Long

Okay, I'd like to stay and chat longer with you, but I can't. I woke up late and have to jet to work. Why did I wake up late? Because for the 400th day in a row, the sun failed to post! Who can wake up when it's twilight all the time?!!!!! I hate this. I never thought I had seasonal affect disorder, but man, I might have to rethink that...

Seasonal Affect Disorder... S.A.D. You ain't kidding. That had to be some sort of joke, don't you think? We love to put labels on things. Give things lofty titles for the reasons why we can't do something, or have some sort of challenge to over come. Or, part of life that we simply hate. Or justify why we won't even try anymore.

S.A.D. Even if I have it, I'm not admitting to that one. On second thought I am sad. Sad about all the labeling we do that limits us as Human Beings. Labels that hold us back or from being and trying. Life is for living, not labeling! Don't be so quick to catagorize everything and everyone. Once you name it, you hold it fixed in one spot. Labels stick us to circumstances. We're supposed to be fluid and move along through our lives.

I'm going to have to go through the house and turn on all the lights before I'll label myself with S.A.D. I'll walk around with a flash light turned on my face before I give into S.A.D.

I'd much rather be diagnosed with G.R.A.N.D... Geared Ready And Naturally Driven. And, with that, I gotta go feel my way through the gloom of the morning to find what bright spots may be hiding in my day.

Seek and you shall find. Hope you find moments of sunshine in your day even if it isn't in the sky!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly