Silent Sermon Sunday

Fiona Louise Wigglebottom, I miss you so!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Has Been Blessed To Have Dogs

July Jots And Musings

It's finally July again.  It is a month with lots of moments that mean something to me.  I wish I liked it more, but it falls right in the middle of summer and is always blistering hot.  And, hot and me?  Not a good combination.  I hate to be hot.  Hate. To. Be. Hot.  But, it's such a big month.  Birthdays for certain.  Canada Day and Independence Day here...major celebrations, parades, picnics, fireworks, (which by the way, Rory absolutely is phobic about which is another reason that July can work on my nerves.)

My next door neighbor Allen and I share the same birthday which is fun.  We generally get together for drinks and a "Cheers to us and our new year!" 

Vacations are a big part of July...and one can always look forward to that.  This year My Lion and I are headed to the New York Finger Lakes area.  We'll stay in a bed and breakfast and tour around on The Spyder seeing a new part of the country.  I am sure it will be fun.

I turn 58 years old on the 12th.  I  try reading that number and not wonder how I can be 58 when I'm certain that I'm really only 28.  There's a 30 year disparity there.  30 years....30 YEARS.  I know by today's standards that's not 'old' but it's mind altering to realize how different reality can be from the image and vision one holds in their head.

58; it's not old, but pretty substantial.  And yet, older as I am, I still remember Julys most clearly from my days as a kid on Howard & 27th Street in Baltimore.  The heat from all the concrete and asphalt.  The people coming out of their homes to sit on their front porches under the yellow glow of the many street lights.  Sitting and rocking, hoping to catch an errant breeze, talking over the low walls or rails that separated their porch from their neighbor's porch.  Rails low enough that you could throw a leg over to drop something off to them or borrow a cup of sugar.  Easily chat over if both were inclined. Large enough to respect the need of the other to simply sit and not talk.  Not eavesdrop on conversations that might be easy enough to hear but had nothing, whatsoever, to do with you.  Short enough to be neighborly; tall enough to be respectful. Such is life in row-homes.

Flower boxes on wide porch walls growing petunias or other mundane flowers that could withstand the heat of high summer in a city.  Or, in the case of my pragmatic grandmother, basil and herbs grown in an aluminum wash tub.  The sound of conversations or laughter more easily heard after the roar of rush hour cars had faded away.  Kids standing on the street corners in groups, laughing and being kids.  Until their noise got too big and then an adult would yell at them and tell them to move off.  Sometimes they did; sometimes they'd stand there in defiance.  At least until the beat cop strolled by and then they'd scatter.

For me as a kid, the 4th of July was a prelude to the much more important date of July 12.  My birthday was always way more important to me.  But one year, the year I was to turn 9, the 4th of July changed everything for me.

My Grand Pop got up and started his day as he always did, except for some reason, he decided to put on one of his good suites.  And, Nanny The World's Meanest Woman, chuffed at him for putting on his good clothes.  She strongly suggested he go change into something else because we were having a family picnic later and he was sure to get food on it.  But, he waved her off and went to sit out on the front porch.  He sat and waited for the time to pass until it was time for all of us to leave.

Nanny was on her way down the steps to get something out of the cellar when she felt as though she really needed to go check on Nick.  She thought it silly and started down the steps again, only to feel as though something was pulling at the back of her house dress.  She'd felt that before, when one of her six children turned out to be in serious trouble, but not for years.  Following her instincts she went back up and through the long house out to the porch.  She stood next to Pop who looked up at her and said quietly, "Mom, I don't feel so good," and he slumped into her.

Across the street Uncle Joe, Nanny's brother, happened to be sitting on his porch, a rare day off.  It being a holiday, his green grocery located across the alley from the back of our home was closed.  All the beautiful produce normally out on the steps locked tight inside.

Joe, saw and rushed across the street after yelling for Aunt Rose who raced out of their house.  Neighbors gathered and someone called an ambulance.  It came quickly.  But it drove away slowly to Union Memorial Hospital; no lights, no siren, no need because Grand Pop was gone.  Just that quickly.  Gone.  And the world changed for all of us.

Typical of a kid who has the myopic vision of one who has only been alive for a short time, I was totally angry with Pop.  His dying certainly meant the end of my birthday plans!  And, I never said a word to anyone about how disappointed I was in him for ruining my birthday, not to mention what I would always remember about The 4th of July!

I couldn't stay mad at him long.  Very shortly, my sadness over his leaving overtook any other thought or feeling.  I loved him.  And, his death was the very first one that I had experienced.  I knew other people had died, but he was the first person whom I loved and cared about that I had to process.

Shortly after his death, the family decided it would be better for Nanny if Dad and I moved in with her.  I didn't want to do that.  I liked our apartment over the restaurant!  We were just across the street from her, why did we have to move in?  But, I was a kid and had no say so we moved.  I had been all right with visiting with Nanny and Pop whenever I felt like it.  It was good to have another home to visit, like visiting with Aunt Rose and Uncle Joe across the street.  Or visiting with Aunt Rose and Uncle John on the other corner.  But, I sure didn't want to give up my home to move in with Nanny! 

Life went on again.  It always does.  And so many more Julys and Independence Days have come and been celebrated in my life.  Along with many more birthdays.  Now I'm glad that Pop went out with a bang on the 4th because I never ever forget him on that holiday and always stop to give him a thought and I love you.

But, this year it occurs to me that one of the reasons I don't always like the coming of my own birthday is colored by that 4th of July so very long ago when Grand Pop changed the world for me.  And, while I'm no longer sad over his passing, having the wisdom and experience to process it correctly, somehow, my birthday has never been as joyful for me.  That, I've never really been able to change.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka Nicholas Dituri/Dietor's grand daughter

Silent Sermon Sunday

"He directed, 

'Let the children come to me, don't stop them,

 for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"

Namaste' Till Next Time,

Holly aka She Who Honors the Children and Adults of Newtown, CT

Ghostly Visits

There are many issues to confirm that I'm growing older.  One came in the mail the other day.  Tucked inside with the renewal form for my driver's license was a very 'helpful' pamphlet entitled, "Tips for The Mature Driver."  Kill me now.

Another also replays many nights; I hate it.  This inability to collapse into sleep without tossing and turning.  The worst is-- I fall asleep very quickly only to have my eyes flap open like a window shade snaps up without warning.

Last night was one of those.  It seemed it would go peacefully, seemed being the operative world.  I ran through the Distance Reiki list of all those animals and Humans who have requested Reiki to assist with their needs.  It's how I start and end my days.  At night, doing this work makes me relax and drift off.  Morpheus is waiting with arms extended, but some nights he plays me false and just as I enter his embrace, he closes his arms and evaporates.  Men...

But last night, tossing in bed as I watched the clock creep to 2AM, it felt different and a bit unsettling,  because I was visited by another circumstance that proves I've been alive for awhile now.  Last night I was visited by a chorus of faces that I have loved and who have died.  Unbidden they came.  Some I had not actively thought of in a long time; others are those few who I never not think on.

At first, I found all of them gathered in my consciousness more than a bit disconcerting.  I fretted about why they were all there of a sudden.  Did it mean something?  Was there a purpose?  What are you trying to tell me?!

Not my Dad, nor my Aunt Kat, nor any of my immediate family were there.  Instead, these were all dear friends.  People who had played a pivotal role, either in terms of my growth as a Real Human Being, or had died at points in my life to help me understand what it means to suffer loss.  Died and helped me experience what it means to lose someone I cared about and what life feels like after.

I slowly began to relax, realizing that they simply wished to visit to confirm that death doesn't change the truth of things.  Connections are still there.  Attachment still remains.  I sent Reiki blessings to each of them and thanked them for coming.  I confirmed that they are always with me and what a joy it is to see them again. They returned the same sentiments.

And, with spiritual hugs completed, I fell asleep. 

This morning, I still ponder why I would have had a party with Ghosts from my past...no answers yet.  I wonder how the brain works that it would conjure them unbidden like that.  Can a brain actually do that?  Or, is it that love is bigger than our brains and it can manifest all on its own, in images that we can recognize and understand?  No answers for these questions...

But, in the light of day, I'm able to realize that it is a blessing to have been reminded of all those who I have lived long enough to have loved and lost.  I suppose along with confirmation that I am aging, I am also slowly becoming a Real Human Being.  There is always a silver lining.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Loves Them, Still

What Can You Say?

Saturday evening, Michael and I were standing on line in the men's department at J.C. Penney, waiting for our favorite sales man to complete his business with an elderly couple.

We couldn't help but hear Gary as he said all the usual things, such as, "Oh, yes, I think the tie you've chosen will go very well with this suit and a white shirt. You will look very nice."

Then a bit later, he said to the woman, "Aren't they twin boys? Played football for Franklin? Yes, I waited on them a couple of years back when they needed suits for home coming!"

The woman smiled and said, "Yes! You have a great memory. Those are our grandsons and they're in their last year in college now. She was their older sister."

And, then Michael and I turned to chat with each other and waited patiently while Gary demonstrated once again why he's so good at his job.

When it was our turn, he answered our questions and chatted. Then he said, "That couple came in tonight so he could buy a suit for a funeral. Did you hear the news about the Pittsburgh couple who were killed while they were on honeymoon? Well, that's their Granddaughter. They were only married six days and it sounds like everyone really loved them. So very sad."

And, I know we live in a small town, but even so, I couldn't help but wonder, "What are the odds, that we'd have an opportunity to put a human face on a tragic news story like that?" On a Saturday night at the mall, we run into a couple who, just a few short weeks ago were gathered with loved ones and celebrating the happy marriage of two young people full of promise and joy. What can you say?


I don't personally know any of these people. But, that few short moments brought me in touch with this on a personal level. It reminds me to be kind when I am out and about, because you never, never can know what sadness can be walking around with a person as they carry their packages through the mall.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly
Photo by Joe Appel Photography

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye...the word is a contraction of the phrase, "God be with ye." We say it all the time. Except, I don't. Not ever with people when they are going or I am leaving, do I use that word. Generally, I say, "Love you! Talk with you soon! See you later!" Anything but goodbye.

In other languages, there are more subtle but specific delineation between, goodbye and farewell. We aren't that lucky with English; those two words are so tightly intertwined as to be one in the same.

Adios...the Spanish goodbye, literally translated is, 'of God/with God'. Via con dios.... farewell, as we think of it, really means, Go with God. When you consider the literal translation, suddenly these casual words take on a deep and solemn meaning. The Japanese only say, 'Sionaro,' when one will not see the other person for a very long time or ever again. Some words are meant to be uttered only when the finality of a relationship's passing is recognized. For me, Goodbye, is one of those.

This has been an emotionally difficult week for me. Exhausting.

I met up with my cousin, Val from Florida to help her empty out my Aunt Katherine's apartment. You might have read about Kat in "Life Is What You Make It"; she is a remarkable woman.

Never having children, it falls to my cousin, who is her power of attorney, and me to dismantle her apartment. This ain't our first rodeo; Val and I have had this sad task before. She helped me dig through my father's things and when her mom who lived with Dad had to go to a nursing facility, we dismantled their home yet again. It was Val who dismantled Kat's home 12 years in order to move her and her husband into the continuing care community.

Doing this for Kat was a daunting task that had to be completed in three days. During the frenzy of activity, I stopped and looked at something in my hand and couldn't help but think, "How effin' sad; a lifetime of collecting treasures and making a home comes down to people cramming things into boxes and wondering how we will ever get rid of it all. How sad...how incredibly sad." Turns out all of us had the same thoughts when we sat down exhausted that first night and talked it out.

Had Michael not decided to rearrange his schedule and come with me, I don't know how Val and I could have done it. I'm fairly certain we wouldn't have and all I can do is thank him over and over for all he did. An advantage he had over Valerie and me is not being bound to the emotional charge of seeing a beloved item that held memories for us. He was able to keep emotional distance. Val and I are very pragmatic as well, but for us it was more difficult.

We divvied up furniture with Val's son, Clay, and I'm so happy some of her quality furniture will stay in the family. We shipped her nativity scene off to Val's daughter, Whitney. We shipped a few items to Val's home. Michael packed some artwork and small pieces to come home with us. I will admit that a few small items have come home with me, not because I necessarily like them, but because I recognized them over a lifetime of visiting her home and just couldn't let them go to a stranger. And yet, I know that's eventually what will happen to them when my time comes.

But, not today. Not today.

All the rest went as a donation to Goodwill Industries. All of it. And that was not the goodbye of which I speak.

Aunt Kat is in the care center now. We've called in Hospice because she is, 'actively dying' and needs the additional comfort and care as she eases out of this world. She is confused, while at other times she is surprisingly lucid. She whispered to Val, "I need some boxes, I am going on a trip." Val asked, "Who's going with you?" "No one; I'm going alone." We looked at each other...she said to Kat, "Okay, we'll make sure you have what you need."

Val has been a hospice volunteer coordinator as part of her professional life; I have been a social worker. We both know it's really very usual for the departing soul to talk of journeying. Kat's confirmed what we all know.

Later she said to me, when I bent to give her a kiss, "Your face looks like a Christmas tree!" I laughed, "Well, that can't be very good!" She whispered, "Oh no, it all lit up and very pretty!" I believe we begin to see the aura of the spirit when we are leaving this world...perhaps that's what she was seeing.

No, the Goodbye came when Val left to catch her flight home. The goodbye came when I had to travel back to Pittsburgh with Michael the next day. Goodbye was whispered as she slept and I know I was seeing her alive for the very last time. Goodbye was said with sadness when Val and I have to deal with the notion that we have to leave her in the hands of others who will watch over her and care for her in our absence. Goodbye comes when we have to stop the small twinges of guilt that are part of the process for us...

I Reiki'd Kat while we were visiting. This was the first time I have done energy work on a person who is leaving this world. It was a remarkable feeling. I struggle to put it into words.

When I was attempting to bring her energy down into her feet, it was like feeling a window shade suddenly rolling up. I got the image of wispy smoke quickly rising through a chimney....it is the energy leaving her body and going up through her crown chakra. The only way I could describe it to Michael and Val who watched as Kat began to twitch and move her feet was, "Imagine standing at the edge of the ocean when the tide is going out. The wave washes in against you legs which feels usual, but the tug against your calves is much stronger and quicker as the wave goes out with the tide's turn."

They could understand that. It is a miracle to feel the spirit rushing homeward. I am blessed to have experienced it.

And, on Friday I said a hurtful Goodbye to Albie. We buried him and paid tribute to my beloved friend of 40+ years. It was a beautiful service as he would have wanted and been proud to have been a part. He loved productions and was the master of beautiful events.

I have had enough of Goodbyes for one week. So I think I will leave you with this image...it helps me to remember Kat this way...not the way I saw her when I whispered "Goodbye, dear one, I honor you for all you gave taught me; I love you for all you have been to me."



Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka Katherine's niece & Al's friend

When Does Learning Turn To Failure?

You have a choice. You can either view the really horrible, difficult situations in your life as a massive opportunity to learn more than you know now and develop a humble gratitude for the lessons...

...or you can see them as another example of how the Universe uses you as a toilet taking yet another massive dump on you.

You ask if you are a loser and failure because of the situation you now find yourself. Yes, it's true you designed it. Made the choices. Insisted on having your own way. Ignored the best wisdom of those around you. Were absolutely stubborn. Does that make you a loser and a failure?

No. That makes you human.

What will make you a failure is if, now that you know that your choices are incredibly wrong, you stay with them because you're afraid of what others might think, might say.

You become a loser if you think that staying seems better than moving on into the unknown. If you continue because undoing it seems too complicated. Yes, it's very frightening...but staying in a spirit killing situation is even more frightening.

You'll be a loser if you're more concerned about what others might think or say than you're concerned about what your spirit is urgently whispering now.

You're a failure if you don't feel all you need to feel about the current situation and walk forward into your life with the firm commitment that you will learn all you need to learn and add it to your experiences toward becoming a Real Human Being.

The situation? Yes, you designed it and realize, now, it was not good design. You realize that you've designed misery. But, you've only designed failure if you insist on having your way instead of doing the right thing.

You are not a failure by design; you become a failure by choice.

Which choice will you make?

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Has Been There

"The Heart of The Matter"

I was driving along today and Spirit sent me a message through the radio. It happens. I just knew that when I got home, I had to post this because someone out there, really, really needs it.

Someone who is suffering, grieving, not able to see through the hurt and sad they feel right now. So, I dedicate this to you.

The Heart of The Matter
by: Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

I know you can't feel this right now, but I promise you that the way through hurt and pain is gained through forgiveness. For them for hurting you; for you who allowed yourself to be hurt. Forgiveness will set you free. I promise.

And, now let's hear these words from the guy who was inspired to sing them:



Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Promises From Experience