Hear Hear

I got some great comments back from yesterday's post. It seems that this mystery of the ears and what to do with them, is something that most of us have considered or been impacted by, mostly for the negative. Just as I thought...

Beth be yourself, everyone else is taken said, "...the one thing I know for sure is that after almost 25 years of marriage, my hubby and I suck at listening to each other...he is worse of course! No matter what I say or when or how, I always get a, 'huh?' or a 'what' from him and have to repeat myself. Then when I do, he listens (italics mine,) and still ends up clueless to what I'm saying....arrghhh !!! It's actually the one thing we fight about the most."

That sounds really familiar, doesn't it? Why is it that men and women seem so vastly different in terms of the ability to listen? It probably relates back to the species development and what men were responsible for vs. what women were built for...I discuss my view of the whole issue in my post Tigers And Berries if you want to chuckle over some of what makes us so different.

Opie may challenge me on what I'm about to say next, as he is one of the rare men who actually does seem good at listening, but it's my strong belief that the main difference between men and women in terms of listening is: Men aren't trained to listen...it's not required of them to learn to listen. Not a skill that is demanded of them.

But, women? Oh, we're trained from tiny, "Listen here, Missy...," and I think a woman's natural wish to please people, to be in relationship with others, activates an innate desire to listen to everything!!! Unfortunately, that need to listen to everything is what gives us the bad rap as being nebbie and gossipy. Well, look here World, you can't have it both ways! If you want women to be good listeners, then the shadow side is that we listen to all of it. Whether or not that is what you want.

Men are trained to Do. Women are trained to Wait. In the waiting space, one learns to be passive. In the passive part, one learns to become a witness, or observer, of life instead of an active participant. Now, don't get all up in my grill... I'm not saying that women aren't living life well...I'm suggesting how we got to this point of being able to listen better than males.

The only man I know who didn't fit this rule is The King. Because my father was so badly crippled by the time he was 16, he was effectively taken out as a player of the game and benched to spend the rest of his life as an observer. It made him a glorious listener. And, he was stellar at observing the Human condition. Amazing in his ability to catch the subtle 'tells' that the rest of us miss because we're so busy doing. I learned my ability to observe from Dad.

Men live in the moment. For the most part, that's where they spend their entire life. Right here...right now. They only focus on one thing at a time...go back and read about tigers...

Women on the other hand, live in the entire galactic space of infinite possibility...it's a hard job, but somebody's gotta' do it. So, yeah, women can multi-task. They can be watching the stove top while fuming over a spat in the past and mentally ticking off where they have to be next week...all at the exact same time. Creepy, isn't it? The need for us to do that, is also the the thing that has made us better at listening. For most women, the challenge is to learn to NOT listen to everything.

Men, need to learn to translate hearing into focusing and taking it in...e.g. LISTEN. Women need to understand that when men are listening, it's for the express purpose of DOING something with that information; or fixing. So, if they listen awhile and don't hear things they can do something about- they mentally retreat into their man cave, "Nothing for me to fix here..."

As a female, you desire the mental and emotional hug that comes from being heard...being attended to. Listened to. We make the mistake of thinking that just because he's looking at you, he's listening. But, if you didn't give him something to fix in that barrage of info, guess what? He's not. Which leads to Beth's well stated frustration.

So, when it comes to a woman talking with a man...help a fella out! He cares about you and will give you what you need. If all you want is to be heard, attended to, you need to tell him that. He loves you, but he ain't a mind reader. Let him know all he has to do is give you the air-time to tell your story. You're not asking him to fix it. Or do anything. I give Michael a preamble, "I just want you to listen to me. You don't need to do anything about what I'm saying because I don't think there's anything to do about it. Okay?" Once stated, easily provided.

The next part of this whole listening thing, is knowing what it is you really want. Do you want air-time? Or, do you need to be listened to? Be careful now...there's a difference. If you ask to be listened to, that means that the other person is going to respond with their thoughts on the issue. You may or may not like them. But, if every time you ask to be listened to, and you shoot the other between the eyes for telling you...umm, you can bet most people will not want to get caught in that game with you.

It hurts to be shot between the eyes...

Learn what it is you want, and develop the courage to ask for it. As Teachable said, "I have also learned to just say to the person that I don't think that they are listening to me." Now, that takes courage. It also means you must know what you need. What does that look like to you?

How do you know that you're being listened to? While it's easier to assume if the person is sitting and looking at you, I promise you, it's not required. I don't have to be looking at you, but you'll be absolutely certain that I am listening. I've learned to give clues to assure you and by feeding back what you're saying at the appropriate time. My Aunt Rose, was great at cooking and still making you feel listened to, maybe it runs in the family.

However, because I am such a great listener, even though I don't have to be looking right at you, if that's what you need, that's what I give you. I must accommodate if I am to be judged as effective by you.

Learn the clues that confirm listening. The body language is the mechanism...subtle but vital. Jen, My Pet requests, "Let's see another post about listening to body language." And, that's a great way to put it, because we do need to know how to listen to body language...to interpret it.

Jen was talking about her toddler having a, as she so wonderfully put it, "melt down like chocolate on a dash board..." I love that! Can't you see it? And, she didn't see the body language...didn't listen to it. She was reacting, hearing the noise her little one was making. Turns out she had a fever...but Jen didn't know that until she decided the best thing she could give her baby was a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Ahh! Now you get it...

When we judge a situation before we open ourselves to listening, we run it through filters that keep us from understanding and seeing things for what they are.... We'll talk about listening in difficult situations another time. It's all part of the magic, the miracle of listening! What part is the hardest for you? What part do you feel you do well with and how did you develop your gift?

Namaste' Till Next Time,

Holly

Two Scoops

Okay, so let's continue with sex and ice cream.

First, a caveat: I am not, yet, talking about sex from a moral or religious bent. That'll come later. For now, I am addressing the fundamental issue of sex as a sacred part of life. In no way am I advocating careless behavior. I am not speaking in terms of being amoral or moral. However, that whole overlay is directly responsible for people stuck in a constant internal struggle when it comes to sex. So, let's be clear: Holly is an advocate for responsible, thoughtful, reverent sexual conduct.

Also, for those in a committed relationship, be it new or years old, this conversation still applies. Even if you think you don't need your little pink spoon anymore, think again. You still need it. Maybe not to sample different flavors, but certainly to sample how many ways you can serve ice cream as a delicious part of daily life.

Now that we understand the approach men take to ice cream selection, and how women make their decisions, let's examine how that came about. How did women become reluctant to sample as many flavors as they might? Is it a female's nature to want only one flavor for her entire life? If vanilla is your favorite, how did you decide? Did you compare other flavors to know? Or, did you accept it as your best hope based on a Good Girl's single taste?

Because, if it is a guess, you'll spend the rest of your life hoping that it is the best choice. And, hoping that you'll never be tempted to try other flavors. But, you will be tempted. You will be curious and want to know with certainty that vanilla is the only flavor for you. The problem is, that when you don't try other flavors at the appropriate time, you can't possibly ever know with absolute conviction.

Males are hardwired to propagate the species. In order to make sure the gene-pool is diverse and that we don't end up with an eye in the middle of our foreheads due to inbreeding, male wiring directs, "Lay with as many different females as you can find. Cast your seed wide!" Women are hardwired to keep the species alive. Our wiring says, "Don't let the fire go out. Have something to eat. Are you warm enough? Is everyone here and accounted for each day?" So, in essence, males are responsible for making sure we have people on earth, while women are responsible for quality of life issues once we're here. Women are responsible for building clans. For moving civilization forward. In order to do that, there are rules. There are limits.

As those mandates relate to ice cream- men absolutely will sample as many flavors as possible before eventually settling down with a favorite. However, there will never be a time when he isn't curious about the other flavors in the case. Women get so angry over that, "If I'm the one he picked, why does he still look at other women?" Because that's the way he's wired. It has nothing to do with being satisfied with you as his choice!

Women direct all interest to their selected flavor and never want to think about the ice cream case again. The selection means certainty. No more running around willy-nilly with a pink spoon for them! Women want to marry ice cream in order to eat it. Men don't get emotionally attached to ice cream in order to enjoy it. For men, ice cream is just ice cream. But, ice cream is much more complicated for women!

Women want ice cream, but only if they can't be judged for indulging. Men don't care what anyone thinks of them if they want to eat ice cream every day. In fact, they love to crow about how much ice cream they can eat!

It's not that women don't want or like sex. But, societal pressures mean they spend the better part of life accepting what others tell them about sex instead of experiencing it for themselves. We limit our exposure to it. There's no way a man will limit his exposure to such a fascinating topic. He wants to know all there is know. And, the only way to know is through first-hand experience.

Experience is gained by repeated attempts. Men know that the only way to define what they do/don't like is by switching it up and tasting lots of different flavors. Women, even those who know that experience is gained by repeated attempts, generally want them only with the chosen flavor. It makes it 'all right,' that way.

It could happen. But, you're more likely to be struck by lightning. For most, in order to know what we like, what feels good, requires a variety of people and encounters. We have to be willing to know. We have to be willing to carefully explore.

I can sense tension, so let's dial it back to safer ground. Let's talk about kissing. Most of us like kissing. It feels good. How do you define a good kiss until you've sampled different kissers? A kiss is as individual as the finger print. Each kisser is different. How do you know the kiss that makes your knees buckle unless you've survived kisses where you think, "Okay, I don't ever need to do that again!"

Don't say, "A kiss isn't the same level of importance as sex. It's not a fair comparison." It is; kissing is part of sex. I've had some kisses that rocked my world and were more intimate than intercourse! Lighten up; sex is such emotional dynamite, that most women will only explore it in certain contexts, with certain conditions in place. However, I'm not talking what you've been encultured to think; I'm talking about your birth right as a Human Being to have healthy physical contact with another.

But, you have to make yourself open and available. You have to allow someone into your personal space. You have to be willing to be curious. You have to be courageous enough to define it rather than accept what you've been told about right/wrong. You have to desire to eat ice cream for yourself instead of accepting what society says you should taste.

Ask yourself, "How open am I to ice cream? Does ice cream make me uncomfortable? Where do my ideas come from? What parts of my life and the people in it have formed my opinions about it?"

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly