Well, that's not really true. I have thoughts...about changing the next load of clothes from the washer to the drier. About the need to clean the stove top. Wash the kitchen floor....sit and doter through Pinterest. Look at my Facebook page, yet again.
Do I really need to make the bed again today? I just did that yesterday. Who's here to see it if I don't make it? Who even cares if I do or don't. I wonder what that stupid dog of mine is barking at now; I don't see a thing.
When I vacuum, do the marks made in the rug have to be even? When was the last time I had the Orek in for service? Is there gas in my car?
Should I just break down and put the heat on? It's only early October for heaven's sake! Maybe just put on another sweater or something...quit being a wimp.
The clock needs winding. Crap, the dust bunnies are back big time. So are the Stink Bugs. I hate these stink bugs! Wonder why I'm not interested in music lately?
I wonder why I have nothing new or in-depth to write about? I wonder when I lost my enthusiasm for blogging? Did I lose it or did I just run out of things to say? How the hell can someone like me run out of things to say?
How do you avoid running out of things to say? Was anyone listening anyway? Did it serve a purpose? If I stopped, would anyone care?
I wonder what Laura did with that box of all my formal journals I left for her to keep? They represent hours of my life as I wrote them and I suppose I was hopeful that some of my journey may assist her with hers. I hope it does. If she even reads them.
Why do we journal any way? It's actually the same with blogging. Why do we blog? It starts out as a need to connect; it starts out as a portal and conduit for the creative energy built up in all of us. It starts as a need to share. To be seen. To be heard. To be recognized.
I look back on some of my earlier postings and have to admit that I'm proud of the breadth and depth of the topics I covered. I'm proud of the writing; it's good and solid. My writing is directed and sometimes rich and deep. Now?
Not so much. And, because I took my eyes off the creative horizon, the travel to my page has dropped off and few new readers find their way to the site. If I did it for myself, does it really matter if anyone ever comes to read it? Was that the real reason I started the blog? However and whatever, it's my fault if readership has dropped off. Wait. No it's not...it's Blogger's fault; it has sucked my brain dry.
I intended to blog regularly. To use it as a creative exercise and a way to keep my skills sharp. But, days have gone by and I haven't written anything. NOTHING! Where did my enthusiasm go? Where did my ideas go? I still go to various blogs to see what's being posted there and to check in with writers that I've grown to love and I very rarely even write a comment. Oh crap...I've become a lurker instead of a participant!! What the hell has happened to me?!
And then, I stop thinking a fleeting thought of blogging when the next snippet of stupid pops into my brain...
The price of food! Sweet Jumpin' Baby Jesus!! The cost of food?! INCREDIBLE! Trust me, I'm like most Americans...I'm price sensitive and not price conscious. And, if I can SEE the cost of food increasing, it's not just a small increase! It's an increase that is enough to be noticed and it's not just occasionally, it's pretty much all the time!
What the hell are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to make ends meet? What can I do better to be more fiscally responsible to my household budget?! How do I become a better domestic engineer?
Because I may as well embrace that role since my professional life has come to a stand still. I may as well establish myself as proficient in that capacity as I worked so hard to establish it in my professional life.
Is this the way most people feel? Does it all seem as momentarily chaotic and fruitless as my thoughts would suggest? Niggling. Small. Inconsequential. Meaningless to the wide audience. Tiny. Silly. Gnats...thought gnats. I used to have big thoughts and ideas and now in the space that has been vacated, I've only a swarm of tiny thought gnats.
I used to have giant thoughts...deep thoughts and ideas worth writing about. But, maybe we have only a finite amount of those big ideas and notions. And, maybe, thanks to blogging, I've shot my wad and there's nothing else to consider or share.
Yep...blogging has sucked my brain dry, it seems. And now the biggest question...
What now?
Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Wonders If This Is Sustainable
6 comments:
I tried to comment and Blogger wouldn't let me - and it was a darn good one too!!
xo
Lynn
That "robot catcher" might be the reason you aren't getting may comments - it's a real doozy. Now for the third try...
First, without a doubt, I'D care and miss you terribly if you stopped blogging. Even when your brain is "dry" your writing is as terrific as ever.
That said, I can relate to wondering if you've told all your stories-- At least that's how I feel these days. I've told my best stuff and I figure if I start writing about the weather than I should just switch over to Pinterest and call it a day.
Not working these past four years has had a huge impact on my self-esteem and there is no amount of vacuuming or laundry that's going to help me with that-- Maybe that's why I still blog. When I'm "in the groove" I have a bit more structure to my day and that seems to help keep the creativity going.
But, as you know, I'm kinda in a blog rut and it seems this comment is more than I've blogged lately so I'll just say I love ya and I hope you hang in there.
xo jj
i am glad you found me as well...been at blogging for like 4 years now...and you are in good company with jj above...she kept me going back in the day...
have all the stories been told...i dont think so...i think we are sold a lie that they have to be big dramatic things to keep peoples interest...mini movie shots where the cars blow up and love reigns forever in a kiss on the titanic...lol
i just write life...it happens every day...it surrounds us and we interact with it...even if just hte turn of the laundry in the machine...
so keep using your voice...there are those that listen...smiles.
I am grateful for anything I see here Holly. I feel it is a chance to connect with you in some small way, and I would miss you if you were not around. Though we have never met in person, I consider you a friend. A special friend I can almost feel across the miles.
I have gone for months without feeling the creative whim to write. And when I post sometimes I feel I am not offering my best, which is just as bad as not writing at all. But it comes back I find.
Just be patient with your writing. When the time is right... you will write more.
Love and light to you.
I find that my blog has changed and morphed over the past 4 years. I write about stuff I never expected to when I started. I post a lot of LOLcats too. Somedays that's all there is!
Yours was one of the first blogs I connected to, all because I saw your picture on another blog and thought to myself that you were someone worth looking at. And my opinion has never changed. When I didn't see you for weeks I worried that something had happened to you. And when I see a new post, I look forward to reading it.
And this is not to put a heavy mantle on you....blogging is done for yourself, and if you want to share, we are here to read it. Its a personal journal, for me anyways. I have a private blog for all my deep dark thoughts, and there are plenty of those to keep me occupied.
You not only have lots to say, you inspire me and others to say as well.
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