Damn You HGTV!!!

Because I don't have the strength to do it, I've asked Michael to put a parental block on Channel 51....

I'm addicted to it and it's bringing me to ruin. Yes! Ruin. I am no longer able to control the compulsion to re-invent my home's spaces. And it's all their fault. I can't control myself!

This is our guest bathroom. That's not wall paper. I did that by hand a couple of years back. Not even a couple of years. More like months....maybe 34 months.

It was done in HGTV's hey day of glaze and artistic wall treatments...PAINT! Hours with blue painter's tape, and a ruler. Coming up with the perfect grid pattern; the right color and glaze. My inspiration piece? (You must have an inspiration piece, my dear,) The shower curtain. I decided to replicate the intricate Arabian arabesques in the shower curtain.

Hours of sitting on a ladder, silver-leaf pen in hand after the stripes had dried. Sitting and looking at what I had already conjured and then coming up with new swirls so that it didn't look repeated in any way.

My ass got numb from sitting perched on a ladder. My ass was not meant to sit perched on such a small flat surface. But would I quit? HELL NO! HGTV said I could do this!!! They never lie.

So onward over four days I soldiered on...and toward the end, some of the arabesques took on organic flavors and became, well,

...as Michael says, "Some of them look like aliens which is a little disturbing." Umm, yeah perhaps. HGTV never talks about the mind trips you take thanks to some of the supplies you must use.

When I was done, it still needed a little something...and that's when I came up with the absolutely crazy notion of gluing the small jewels to the wall. There are a couple of hundred across the room.

I'd glue them and turn around to see what progress I'd made, only to discover a blank wall where jewels should have been. "No, keep going, you can go back and touch up spots later!"

Taking a break on the ladder precariously perched IN the bath tub, I hear a noise and look down to see Fiona, who was just a wee puppy at that time, quietly walk up to the wall and nibble a jewel! I follow her out to the hall where 30 small bits of colored glass await. Thanks for helping Fiona. Really.

But, trends change don't you know? And now the phrase, "Spa-like experience," is all the rage at HGTV! Baths are to be tranquil and calming spaces and only Zen like spaces will do now!

Errr, somehow my Arabian Nights theme doesn't fit that bill. Now when I go up to clean the guest bathroom, my inner critic stands there and looks at the wall I worked so hard on and the bitch says, "Oh, isn't that INTERESTING!" The freakin' kiss of death! What was once fascinating and fun is now, "Too taste specific!" Oh, no....................

So I immediately run to Home Depot to buy Baehr Paint, which in my opinion, is the best paint for the money out there. Oh, there may be better paint; Pratt & Lambert is my all time favorite to work with but, who has that kind of money?!

I stand there in the rainbow of possibilities and think, "Spa like, spa LIKE, speak to me Spa Like, where are you?" And, my hand comes to rest on...

Eygptian Pyramid! OH there you are!

Not for the first time I wonder, "Who names these colors? And, how do you get that job?! I want THAT job! I'd be great at the job!!"

Michael says, "I'm not seeing it, but I trust you." (I adore him!) Then he asks me, "Are you sure you want to do this? You spent a lot of time doing the painting up there and I'm not sure why you want to cover it up. Just be sure."

Don't you just want to hug him?

But HGTV say I must have a spa like environment and this will do it!

So, now you see the Ommmmm of it all. Don't you? Can you feel it? Did I just hear a big exhalation from you? Are you feeling tranquil? HGTV says you will!

Is it sophisticated and calming? Please don't be concerned...it's just the light....it's not really pumpkin colored... it's more like sand and well, Pyramids in the blinding sun of the Sahara...


Colors of clay, and sand, and blue cloudless sky....


Some quiet motion in the textiles to draw visual interest....

HGTV says you'll love it....do you? Do you want to take a hot bath? I have a mint on the pillow of the guest bed. Please? Will you love me because I redid the bath for you...can you feel the SPA LIKE QUALITY yet?????

For the love of HGTV, say yes, because it's the only way I'll get this....ironic isn't it?

And, if I want real peace I'm going to learn to like the fact that HGTV is locked out of my viewing possibilities.

I'm going to go take a hot bath now. But not in that bathroom. Are you crazy? I just cleaned it!!

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly aka She Who Can't Leave Her House Alone