Two Scoops

Okay, so let's continue with sex and ice cream.

First, a caveat: I am not, yet, talking about sex from a moral or religious bent. That'll come later. For now, I am addressing the fundamental issue of sex as a sacred part of life. In no way am I advocating careless behavior. I am not speaking in terms of being amoral or moral. However, that whole overlay is directly responsible for people stuck in a constant internal struggle when it comes to sex. So, let's be clear: Holly is an advocate for responsible, thoughtful, reverent sexual conduct.

Also, for those in a committed relationship, be it new or years old, this conversation still applies. Even if you think you don't need your little pink spoon anymore, think again. You still need it. Maybe not to sample different flavors, but certainly to sample how many ways you can serve ice cream as a delicious part of daily life.

Now that we understand the approach men take to ice cream selection, and how women make their decisions, let's examine how that came about. How did women become reluctant to sample as many flavors as they might? Is it a female's nature to want only one flavor for her entire life? If vanilla is your favorite, how did you decide? Did you compare other flavors to know? Or, did you accept it as your best hope based on a Good Girl's single taste?

Because, if it is a guess, you'll spend the rest of your life hoping that it is the best choice. And, hoping that you'll never be tempted to try other flavors. But, you will be tempted. You will be curious and want to know with certainty that vanilla is the only flavor for you. The problem is, that when you don't try other flavors at the appropriate time, you can't possibly ever know with absolute conviction.

Males are hardwired to propagate the species. In order to make sure the gene-pool is diverse and that we don't end up with an eye in the middle of our foreheads due to inbreeding, male wiring directs, "Lay with as many different females as you can find. Cast your seed wide!" Women are hardwired to keep the species alive. Our wiring says, "Don't let the fire go out. Have something to eat. Are you warm enough? Is everyone here and accounted for each day?" So, in essence, males are responsible for making sure we have people on earth, while women are responsible for quality of life issues once we're here. Women are responsible for building clans. For moving civilization forward. In order to do that, there are rules. There are limits.

As those mandates relate to ice cream- men absolutely will sample as many flavors as possible before eventually settling down with a favorite. However, there will never be a time when he isn't curious about the other flavors in the case. Women get so angry over that, "If I'm the one he picked, why does he still look at other women?" Because that's the way he's wired. It has nothing to do with being satisfied with you as his choice!

Women direct all interest to their selected flavor and never want to think about the ice cream case again. The selection means certainty. No more running around willy-nilly with a pink spoon for them! Women want to marry ice cream in order to eat it. Men don't get emotionally attached to ice cream in order to enjoy it. For men, ice cream is just ice cream. But, ice cream is much more complicated for women!

Women want ice cream, but only if they can't be judged for indulging. Men don't care what anyone thinks of them if they want to eat ice cream every day. In fact, they love to crow about how much ice cream they can eat!

It's not that women don't want or like sex. But, societal pressures mean they spend the better part of life accepting what others tell them about sex instead of experiencing it for themselves. We limit our exposure to it. There's no way a man will limit his exposure to such a fascinating topic. He wants to know all there is know. And, the only way to know is through first-hand experience.

Experience is gained by repeated attempts. Men know that the only way to define what they do/don't like is by switching it up and tasting lots of different flavors. Women, even those who know that experience is gained by repeated attempts, generally want them only with the chosen flavor. It makes it 'all right,' that way.

It could happen. But, you're more likely to be struck by lightning. For most, in order to know what we like, what feels good, requires a variety of people and encounters. We have to be willing to know. We have to be willing to carefully explore.

I can sense tension, so let's dial it back to safer ground. Let's talk about kissing. Most of us like kissing. It feels good. How do you define a good kiss until you've sampled different kissers? A kiss is as individual as the finger print. Each kisser is different. How do you know the kiss that makes your knees buckle unless you've survived kisses where you think, "Okay, I don't ever need to do that again!"

Don't say, "A kiss isn't the same level of importance as sex. It's not a fair comparison." It is; kissing is part of sex. I've had some kisses that rocked my world and were more intimate than intercourse! Lighten up; sex is such emotional dynamite, that most women will only explore it in certain contexts, with certain conditions in place. However, I'm not talking what you've been encultured to think; I'm talking about your birth right as a Human Being to have healthy physical contact with another.

But, you have to make yourself open and available. You have to allow someone into your personal space. You have to be willing to be curious. You have to be courageous enough to define it rather than accept what you've been told about right/wrong. You have to desire to eat ice cream for yourself instead of accepting what society says you should taste.

Ask yourself, "How open am I to ice cream? Does ice cream make me uncomfortable? Where do my ideas come from? What parts of my life and the people in it have formed my opinions about it?"

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly

Little Pink Spoons

If you've been following my blog from the start, you know that I plan to discuss things that need discussing. Even the ones that might make us uncomfortable. Your mother knows but won't tell you. It's not that she won't tell, it's just that it makes her uncomfortable to talk about. Things like sex. We might as well start 2009 off with a bang!

The whole sex topic requires several entries; there's just no way to cover it in one sitting. If you're a male reader, I'd like you to express your point of view. It's a helpful thing when a man shares insight from your corner of the world. If you're a female reader, get ready for me to yell, "Wake up!!!" Sex is vitally important. I'm saddened that so many women think it isn't and wonder why men think about it all the time. Don't sigh at me....keep reading!

We know that men and women look at the world differently. Nothing makes that more clear than our vastly differing views on sex and its importance as a quality of life issue. Most women see it as an occasional high point, but mostly it's a chore that takes too long. Or, I'll do it to make him happy. Or, I picked him because he has so many great qaulities that are more important than sex. Or, I'm living the rest of my life with a headache. So not tonight, dear, or for any night the rest of your life, dear, if I have anything to say about it. Unless we get tipsy one night, then I'll probably reconsider my stand on this. Any of this sound familiar? Thought so.

I often use the following analogy when discussing how a savvy marketing person understands the difference in male/female shopping techniques. If you're one of my former students, I hope hearing this again brings a laugh. My analogy also illustrates how we view sex.

Let's pretend that we're out on the town and one of us gets the idea, "Hey, I'd really like some ice cream! Who wants to go to Baskin & Robbins with me?" For those who aren't familiar with B&R, fill in with Cold Stone Creamery, or whatever. Who doesn't like ice cream, so we head on over to surround ourselves with 31 Flavors! Yum.

Now, this isn't just a girls' night out- we have guys in our group, too. If Michael's there, he's at the head of the line because I've never met a guy who likes ice cream like he does. We stroll in and the people behind the counter ask to help us. They do their impression of crack dealers by hooking us up with little pink spoons. And, this is the point where the group's homogeny falls apart because, while we all grab spoons, the sampling process is radically different for the men vs. the women.

People working there know exactly how it'll go since they've seen it a zillion times. I can't say absolutely, but I'm betting they'd much prefer to wait on a woman instead of a man. Why? Because, it's less work with a female customer. Don't go feeling all superior, it's not a good thing that you're easier to work with here...

When a woman stands in front of the frosty counters with her pink spoon, she clutches it tightly while she strolls up and down, and up and down- repeatedly. She'll sweep the entire store considering all 31 options. She'll pause in front of some really interesting candidates. She'll circle back to the lead contenders. She'll look like the needle on a compass searching out true north. Examination complete, she settles on her sample.

She hands her spoon to the waiting server, who double checks which flavor has made the cut. Tasting her choice, if satisfied, she'll tuck her little spoon away saying, "Yes, please, that's the one I want." Most likely, though she may have considered a couple of options, she'll stand by her decision. If the crack dealer tries to up-sell her by offering for her consideration, one or more of her other choices, most females will say with conviction, "No thanks, this one is great!"

Even after all of her careful consideration, sometimes, the choice turns out to be not-quite-right. But, she'd be reluctant to ask for something else. Only to a friend, if asked, might she confess, "It's not really what I thought it would be, but I picked it and didn't want to say anything. It's no big deal..."

If she really likes her choice, on return trips to the Land of 31 Flavors, she'll make the same selection rather than drift to another possibility. Oh, she might consider a sherbet once in awhile to switch it up! But, if her original choice continues to meet her satisfaction, she'll remain true. It becomes her favorite; the bench mark by which all future ice cream flavors will be measured!

Now, the guys? Whoa! They walk in like gun-slingers, with a full complement of ammo at the ready. They grab a pink spoon, maybe several. They sweep the perimeter to get a general idea. They halt in the middle of the counter looking left and right, maybe a second time. Walk up to the kid behind the counter and say, "Let's start over there."

With that, the kid knows that he'll be dipping repeatedly into the 31 options. Whatever appears to be remotely interesting to the guy, that's what he'll want to sample. And, he doesn't care how many samples he tries. Hey, that's why they let you, isn't it? Eventually, he makes a decision. Unlike many of the females who were purists in their choice, the male will say, "Oh, mix 'em up! Give me both flavors in a cup!"

When a male goes back for ice cream, even if he adored what he had the first time, he'll probably experiment with the other flavors. After all, there are 31 of them, and it's ice cream so how bad can any of them be? The man never worries that he's become an Ice Cream Ho' because he enjoys sampling all the options.

A man walks out happy with his ice cream, but even more happy with the time he spent sampling all the flavors that caught his attention. While women mostly leave happy with their selection, they sure don't have as much fun with the whole ice cream shopping experience.

We gals watch a guy sampling everything and shake our heads in wonder. Or, we think with a slight disdain, "God, he's such a hog! He doesn't really need to sample so many flavors! I found exactly what I was looking for without doing all of that!" The guy, on the other end of the spectrum, is happily thinking, "Is this a great country or what!? I could have sampled them all! I love this store!"

31 Flavors exist for both males and females. But, generally, it's only men who are happy to sample many or most of them. Instead of sampling what piques our interest, women stay limited to the one we picked, even if we're awfully curious how Rocky Road might taste. Women do the same when it comes to partnering and their sexual relations. And, that has a direct impact on how much we do or don't like sex. That, and what your mother did or didn't tell you about sex. But, more about that tomorrow. For now, just think, 'little pink spoons.'

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly

A Call From Evan

Our new year has started with a call from Evan. He earned twenty minutes of phone time. Not much at all. You know what he did? He used a good portion of it to call his Wing Man's family to tell them how their son is doing and make sure they have the mailing address so they can write. The Wing Man didn't earn phone privileges. Using some of his precious time, our boy took care of him.

Another reason to be proud of Evan. There will be more, I know. Today, he's emotional; Basic is hard. I really don't want to know how hard. I get emotional listening to him trying to sound brave when he's not feeling brave. He stresses about so much, mostly afraid of failing. Tomorrow will be his first clothing inspection, "And, I'm tweeking about it," he shared. Boy-chic is a perfectionist; now he's living in an environment that demands perfection but constantly points out where he failed to meet the measure.

He's afraid of being 'recycled,' and working hard to avoid it. Feeling unsure of himself and his abilities. High anxiety about everything. Right now, he's obsessed with his weaknesses and his attempts that don't measure up. Like yesterday, when he was three sit-ups short in P.E. Insignificant to us, but in Evan's current world, those three small sit-ups have now morphed into a possible ticket to being recycled.

He thinks his Flight is weak; there wasn't time to get into details. Evan was selected, because of his previous trumpet experience, for the Band Flight. Not that he wanted it. But, he raised his hand when the question was asked, "Does anyone here have musical instrument experience?" And, that's how you end up being 'volunteered' when you least expect it. I'm pretty sure Evan can't see the rightness of his being selected for this Flight. It doesn't fit his warrior nature.

I reminded him that we are all exactly in the right place at the right time. There are no mistakes. So long as he focuses on that while toiling away, he'll be able to take a breath after they tell him he failed, fell short, didn't measure up. He'll be able to tuck his head and plow on. Keeping on. Michael and I joked, reminding him that if his Old Man made it through Basic, we absolutely know that he'll get through, too. That made him laugh- a bit.

I can't know how hard this is, but I have a vivid imagination. Still, thousands of young men and women do this. Most are groomed to success through the process. I have no doubt that Evan will be one of the successful ones. It's just so difficult to find the words to help him believe it now.

He's missing home and us. He's missing Melissa. He's missing Rory & Fiona. And, he's missing the feeling of being sure of himself. Just missing things and being uncertain. It's hard to feel, but in a way, it's a good thing to have the opportunity to realize that we can miss what we never really thought too much about and took for granted. Missing something is a sign of caring about it. Now he knows that he cares.

It looks like Michael has re-enlisted in the Air Force and I've joined it, too. Even if it's from a distance. So, for all of us Frocks, the only way to walk to success is- through it. I'll be sending him all the emotional support I can. I hope you'll join me. I have absolute faith that our combined energies will reach him and help. He can do this and the Air Force will truly be better because he's one of their band of brothers.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly