A Lid For Every Pot

Lindsey and I met when she was a student, a good one, in my classes at Towson University. We've stayed friendly over the years since. She often asks for my perspective on things, mostly the sort of stuff that girls share.

Linds is newly involved with a great guy. She finds herself in the position of really, really liking this man. Wouldn't be hard to do, he is a- great guy. But, lately, based on things he's said, she wonders if he is looking at the relationship and its potential in the same light as she views it. She's thinking she is way more into him than he is into her. Her female internal warning device is beginning to sound the alarm. She's in a bit of an emotional knot. She turns to me, "What to do?" I can't tell her.

I'm fairly certain she doesn't really want me to tell her; the mere fact that she has questions means that things aren't the way she wants them to be. She doesn't want me to confirm that. And, since I'm not standing in the middle of the emotional quick-sand, I see it in black and white terms. She, on the other hand, is seeing through the kaleidoscope of emotions. Way different perspective. Besides, if she were to say out loud what her gut's already warning, well...what then? Our conversation got me thinking about the entire Looking For Mr/Ms Right thing. But, this entry isn't about Lindsey and her current situation; it's about what I've learned via my time on the circuit.

Here's what I know to be true about the quest for the correct relationship:

Close enough/good enough are never close or good enough when it comes to relationships. And, when I hear someone passionately say, "I want him/her so very badly," I always think, "Great, because that's how you're likely to get him/her, badly." When you say things like that, it points to being emotionally needy. And, being needy is the kiss of death to a relationship. You can't be healthy and needy. So, which are you?

It's critically important to learn to live with yourself, like yourself, be content and satisfied with your own company. Until you do that emotional heavy lifting, you end up desperately wanting something...anxiously hoping for someone. You justify relationships...you settle...you lie to yourself making all sorts of rationalizations as to why they behave this way or that. You cling to less than satisfying relationships like a bat to the wall of a dark cave.

We women yammer for hours and days in demented detail about the disappointments delivered by the not-quite-right guy we're currently obsessed with. We cry, sigh, bemoan. But, by damn, we'll continue to hang in there on the misguided notion that love conquers all! One day, he'll just wake up out of his walking coma and realize how wonderful you are. Through your powerful magic of love and belief in him, he'll change into the prince you know him to be! You'll get your happily ever after. Music up. Birds and furry creatures scamper happily about while you waltz into the sunset. Fade to black. The end.

Do I need to go any further here? Okay, look- here's how it really works. Happily ever after is the end of a fable. You're not looking for an ending; you should be looking for a life! The goal here is for you to turn into your own bit of royalty, not try to love someone into the shape you want them. It's not about them; it's most certainly about you!

It's all about you. Who you are...what you hope to be...your goals...your aspirations...what you want out of life...how do you define success and happiness? If your partner doesn't share the same sorts of notions and help you in your quest to be the best you can be...she/he's not the one! Close enough isn't when it comes to a critically important issue like a mate.

In the years I was on my own, I'd get really weary and frustrated. A friend trying to be comforting said, "Don't worry, Holly. He's out there. There's a lid for every pot, you know." She squeezed my hand and smiled. While not necessarily digging the mental image of resembling a cooking utensil, I took her meaning and the gesture of support. Years later, I know my friend was right.

But, let me let you in on a secret...the bit my friend didn't share about the whole lid/pot thing. While it is true that there is a lid, if you don't know what shape and size pot you are, you can't find the lid that's perfect for you! Your partner is out there. However, if you don't truthfully know who you are, you'll never find him/her.

Quit being a martyr for love! It isn't noble to sacrifice yourself for a relationship. To make yourself less than you know you can be and should be. To snip off bits of your dreams/hopes/desires to fit into what you think will suite him/her best. Love doesn't ask that of anything or anybody. True love expands and builds; it does not diminish dreams and lives!

It's Human to want a mate and partner; someone who completes you. So, you'll seriously consider almost every lid that comes your way. You'll make some real doozy mistakes because mostly, we rationalize- "oh, this one could be the one if we work on things together." "I can't have everything...I need to be reasonable. He makes me happy most of the time." "She's pretty great even though we don't have any of the same interests."

No! Instead of obsessing about them and how it could be made right if you or they would just change, focus on falling in love with yourself and getting to know you in intimate detail. Learn that you're complete just as you are! It's not about changing into anything. Take off the love goggles and look at things the way they are. Stop over-laying the current less-than situation with the notion that it can be changed if you just hang on long enough, or work on it hard enough.

If the one you're with doesn't make you love yourself more each day, it's time to vote with your feet! There are millions of people in the world. Millions! And, while I believe it is miraculous that in all of those, two people who are meant to be together do find each other, you can't have The One if you decide to jam up your life with close enough- Mr. Good Enough; Ms. Mostly I'm Happy With.

One of the things that drives women crazy about men is how most seem able to easily walk away from relationships that don't work for them. As soon as they determine it's not what they're looking for, they're gone. Not so much when they've committed to a long-term thing, but in the dating phase, guys can cut things off pretty quickly with surgical precision. Men don't question this. They simply believe that they have the right to continue hunting until they find exactly what they are searching for.

They don't waste time after they've crossed something off their list. They don't retro-fit. They don't keep working on it. They don't negotiate. They don't stress about what-ifs. They let go and walk on. We hate that about them. But, on some level, aren't we a bit envious of their ability to walk and keep looking? Come on, admit it! You'd love to be able to act the same way, wouldn't you?

Well, you can. Nothing's stopping you except fear. Fear that Mr. Right may never find you so better hold onto Mr. Close Enough. Let go! Let go of fear. Let go of Mr. Close Enough. Let go of all angst and drama. Grow your life and be excited about your choices. Be brave! Own your life. Be intrepid. Trust. Experiment. Get to know yourself. Be honest. Live for yourself! Fall in love- with yourself, first!

Once you do, you'll know clearly what sort of vessel you are and you'll be proud of your pot-ness! And, Mr/Ms. Fits Just Right Lid will be much more easy to recognize when walking into your life. Go forth and begin to own how wonderful you are and how grand your life plan is! Do not settle. Now you're cooking!!

Namaste' Till Next Time,

Holly

Granny Rocks!

She tottered toward us and Michael said, "Oh, please, you're kidding me...," I looked up from the menu to see a tiny woman, tottering- that's the only word for it. Her hair was flame-red, an unnatural color at any age. But, on a woman of an incalculable age, well, it was truly startling. Her face resembled an apple past its prime. You know- the last apple, the one that waited weeks to be eaten until someone looks at the puckered, wrinkled, soft skin and decides it's better pitched in the trash.

She was slightly hunched in the shoulders but you could only see that when, turning sideways, she stopped to chat with each table before continuing her turtle trek to our table. I said, quietly, "Don't worry, there are lots of tables in this section, she might not be..." and before I could finish, there she stood in front of us saying with a surprisingly strong voice, "Welcome to Oglebay! First time here?"

"Yes," we confirmed while I continued to study the menu. "Well, you're in for a treat. I'd say you can't miss with the buffet...we have prime rib tonight. The ham's pretty good, too. But, you tell that missy carving it to give it to you your way and don't take no for an answer!" With a smile and a salute, Michael responded in sharp military form, "Yes Ma'am!" She cocked her little head and said, "I like you, son!"

Ancient Waitress continued, "The menu is good too, though, so I'll give you some time to look at it. What would you like to drink?" I said a diet soda would do and asked for water as well. Michael said he'd have the same. With that, a huge sigh emanated from the wee chest. "Oh, I hate it when they ask for water. Are you sure you want water, too? I just hate that. Used to be a time the bus boys set water as part of the table setting. That's when we did things right, not like these days. Okay, I'll bring you water, but you better drink it after I do!"

And, after being momentarily shocked by that response, I examined her and realized that in the wrinkled face haloed by shockingly red hair, resided two bright, impish eyes as sharp as they could be. A slight smile played on the thin lips painted red-orange to match the hair. As if by magic, right before my eyes, the apple turned into a gloriously interesting Human Being.

I couldn't help smiling; beaming, in fact. What fun to have such an interesting person as part of what would simply be just another meal at a restaurant. And, to think, when I first sat down, I was hoping we wouldn't be 'stuck' with her! What could I have been thinking? She was our topic of talk the entire time Michael and I were in line picking our choices. Turns out, she was right about the prime rib, it was very tasty, and the young, bored-looking 'missy' at the carving stationed who didn't even look at me, much less ask which cut I wanted...

Through the meal, we became part of her group she checked on regularly. We learned about "Granny," as the staff call her. You could tell it's a badge of honor in her eyes. "I've worked here 41 years. I'm 84! And, my heart's not so good now, so my dern doctor won't let me work more than two days a week. Oh, I love it here! If I didn't come in, I'd miss all my friends and everyone I work with! I just love it. But, it's getting harder for me..." And, more details and history flowed with the evening.

I noticed the diners all smiled at her. They spoke with a slight reverence even when teasing her in return to her wise-cracks. The staff stepped lively to help her when she automatically began clearing a vacated table. She spoke to each one by name; sometimes resting her hand slightly on the bus boy's arm when she said, "Thanks." She is a vital part of the wait-staff, even if it is a part that moves rather slowly. What is the magic quality some Humans possess? Is it that we are naturally attracted to people who love life? Do we resonate with that energy? Do we respect the effort we see from one so old and still so vital?

Later, she met up with me while I was looking over desserts. Quietly, she pointed at two choices saying in a conspiratorial whisper, "Don't eat that candy...and stay away from that cake. Those two aren't worth the space they'd take up in your mouth! This one's usually always good, and you can't go wrong with the pie. Of course, it's your choice, though." About the cake, Granny was right again. And, I told her so.

"Whad' I tell ya?! I tell all my guests what's good and what's not. I figure if I want them to come back again, I give 'em a choice, but I tell them what I know. After all this time, seems to have worked for me and them. But, my boss, don't always like that I do. Too bad! I don't work for him, I work for the people at my tables. And I need to take care of them right so they visit me again. Make sure you do!" She winked, collected the check, and walked on.

It was a great way to celebrate our second anniversary. Michael and I enjoyed the wonderful light show at Ogelbay. We visited the museum and great shops there. For hours, cars from all over the area and Ohio and PA snaked through the winking lights. We saw some really unique things.

But, the most memorable part of our evening came not from the zillions of colored lights used to light up six miles. It beamed brightest from a little spit of a woman- ancient and irreverent. Imagine doing a job for 41 years and looking forward to being on the job with everyone who works with you. Imagine being 84, and despite an ailing ticker, being a vital, important, and respected part of the world around you.

Something to aspire to, don't you agree? Michael and I were dazzled by her light and blessed to have this amazing woman take care of us for a couple of hours. You rock, Granny! Thanks for the lesson about what is possible in life. May all your days be merry & bright, just like you.

Namaste' Till Next Time,

Holly

Fear Not!

I've grown wary of the 24-hour media world in which we live. 24 Hour News was created to provide a snapshot of the headlines, any time we needed it. Or more to the point, whenever we could spare a few seconds in front of the boob-tube.

But, what 24-hour access has spawned is a world of negative sensationalism that is the tool by which we are held hostage- sometimes glued to the television. I can't say for certain what part of the Human psyche it taps into, but I think it's the same part that attracts us to horror movies and thrillers.

Unless you work in the media, one tends to be assume that the goal is to provide information and news. However, every person who works at a news-station knows that their true reason for being is to sell commercial time. Thanks to 24-hour coverage, an entire new industry has emerged. People whose job it is to churn the same bits of information over and over. Make even the most mundane seem major. People who must find stuff to fill an entire day; raise even more capital. How? By making things sensational- not by providing the necessary facts. Get my point, here?

Especially in terms of the horribly disappointing economy, it's really important to keep things in perspective. Test what you're hearing against what you're experiencing. Trust your own world-view more than you trust CNN/NBC/FOX, or whichever alphabets you turn to for information. Regularly tune into some other source to balance your perspective. And, always keep in mind that the real reason they are on the air is to continue being on the air. Giving you unbiased, real information is secondary in the scheme.Let's always be conscious that the media, like all organizations, has an agenda. And, their agenda might run counter to our need to have good information.

Recently, I saw a For Sale sign on a house that proclaimed, "Sold in 11 days. Don't listen to the media!" Very solid advice. We should wonder, are things as terrible as we are being lead to believe? More importantly, if we continue to believe these things, how long do we hold things pinned in a bad spot? If we think we shouldn't spend our money, reasonably live our lives, how long and far will the economy continue to spiral backward?

Fear is the mind-killer. And, what we focus on is what we bring into existence. What we continue to fixate on is what we have the most-of in our lives. I know that we are exposed to too much negativity, apprehension, and FEAR. But, there's good news here- we can, and should, control how badly we allow ourselves to be frightened. It is within our power to control our exposure to negative, scary energy.

Fear is also the reaction to the unknown, the unexpected; it is the immediate response that puts us on alert so we can survive. That's a good thing. But, if allowed to continue, it tips and starts injuring physically, emotionally, mentally. Why? Because surviving is not the same as living. We need to ask, which is it that we want to be doing each day? Simply surviving in a heightened state of anxiety, or working our way to authentically living? I'd suggest that we should be working on living. We need to release fear and begin attracting what is positive and good.

This morning, I am thinking of the Archangel Gabriel and her encounter with the young, very young woman, Mary. Imagine being so young and told that you have been chosen of all the world's women to be the portal of entry into this reality for the Messiah! Who could easily take in a message of that magnitude? Who could not wonder are they mad? Who wouldn't be afraid of an encounter with a celestial messenger?

There are some who'd argue my view of the most important part of the story. For me, the most important part- the part I ponder, is Gabriel. Why this particular angel? And, why is such a major part of the story centered on this angel and what she says?

Spirit specifically chooses Gabriel because of her talent as the great communicator and her most calming demeanor. She is the best messenger to deliver emotionally charged, life-altering information. She is the Celestial Body's- Walter Cronkite, if you will. This Archangel carefully begins her newscast to the young Human. As she materializes in Mary's consciousness, Gabriel communicates first, "Fear not."

Or in other translations, "Hail Mary! Hello Mary- Do not be afraid." Gabriel knows that Mary's mind must be relieved of its instinctual fear and opened so she can process the wonder of what is about to happen. To be made ready for the immense possibility of it all. And, to be reminded that we cannot be afraid and have miracles in our lives.

In my life, I want miracles- not fear. For the same reason I do not watch horror movies, I am now limiting the time I spend in the company of newscasters. And, I constantly remind myself of the need to take all of it with a grain of salt in order to walk away with facts and not nerve-wracking sensationalism.

Fear not! As we move into a sacred season in the year, remember that an aware Human Being walks in the truth; looks for miracles be they large or small; is intrepid, and awaits good things because that is our birth-right. Stay open and willing to push back against fear. Do not believe all that you hear. What is it that your heart tells you? Therein resides the truth. Fear not.

Namaste' Till Next Time,
Holly